1. Know how to talk out of your ass.
2. Narrow college football down to your favorite teams/whatever teams have good records and ignore all the other teams.
3. Know as little about sports as possible while still not knowing when to shut up.
4. Be a shitty writer.
5. Have an IQ below 100.
6. Masturbate copiously to pictures of Heisman winners.
I’m trying to recall the entire conversation, this isn’t verbatim. I changed around some stuff to make it more concise and humorous. All of the stuff my mom said/did though isn’t exaggerated, so keep that in mind.
*Phone rings*
Me: Hel-
Mother: *HEY* so someone called left a message called Kelly a bitch.
Me: … What? Who’s Kelly? .. Oh, you don’t mean my aunt Kelly?
Mother: Yes. I we think it’s Barbara, she was like “you’re a bitch”.
Me: Wait… what’s going on. Someone you do not know left a message on her answering machine that said she was a bitch?
Mother: Nwefwe, no, it was Facebook.
Me: Wait, if it was on Facebook you would know who it was. So it must have been on her home phone.
Mother: Yes it was.
Me: ….
Me: What did the message say?
Mother: It was like “your daughter thinks you’re a bitch!”
Me: … Ok. It was Caitie’s friends.
Mother: You think so?
Me: I’m nearly 100% sure (you fucking moron).
Mother: Ohh ok.
*silence*
Me: So I’m busy and
Mother: SO I heard MATC Madison was… *mumbling* Kevin’s car *more mumbling*
Me: Yeah his car is fine.
Mother: So when are you coming home? *mumble* miss you…
Me: Uh, I don’t know.
Mother: You’re never coming home?
Me: I said I DON’T KNOW.
Mother: ok… I’m sorry if you hate me.
Me: (!#$^%$&!#$%#%!@#%$#@!)
Mother: Let me know when you’re coming home I love you.
Me: Ok, talk to you later.
Watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OT8vBlfczYM
Then read:
Dear Mayor Peake,
I am writing to you to question your decision that “there will be no more foot chases” allowed during law enforcement procedure in Wellford, SC. I have some concerns regarding your qualifications for public office, both in your ability to make decisions that require thought and care, and your ability to be professional while addressing the press and other public situations.
Based on your behavior with your interview with local news, I can conclude that you’re probably a moron, since you couldn’t answer a straight question. You’re also a hypocrite, because even though you accused the man who interviewed you for “twisting” your words, you misinterpreted his simple question as a personal attack and decided the appropriate response was backhanded, uncalled for sarcasm.
Without straying too far from your memo, I would like to point out that public services such as law enforcement often don’t make a profit and that’s fine, because that’s what taxes are for. Keeping this in mind (or in your case just fuck it), I encourage you to rethink your decision. When it comes to the well being of the general public, profit shouldn’t be a priority.
That being said, I don’t expect you to read this. I do not think your reading ability is above a first grade level. Either that or you’re too lazy, or your attention span is too short to read this entire letter. But that’s okay, because that means I get to say this; I strongly support your euthanization.
Not so sincerely,
Logic
I’m really tired of seeing media use the word “sexting”, but not just because it sounds stupid.
This happens whenever a new phenomenon catches the changeling attention of the masses. It’s not just Faux or CNN or MSNBC or whatever, it’s just American media that does this. Because people think “sexting” is some new, huge, unique problem, it only takes a fraction of a second to gain the attention of a viewer. One word. And it pisses me off. It’s not a unique problem. You can already find stories about people being convicted of “sexting”. If an adult sends sexually explicit text messages to a child that’s not fucking “sexting”, that’s soliciting a minor. When teenagers send texts with sexual content in them it’s no fucking different from when “cybering” became a term in the late 90’s. It’s the same bullshit through a different medium, and ignorant adults are acting like technology is to blame. I can’t believe there are actually posters in downtown Milwaukee that picture a cell phone with a goddamn condom on it, saying “practice safe texting”. What the fuck, I’m not fucking 12 years old for Christ sake. I know how to use technology “responsibly”.
What people don’t realize is that these posters aren’t going to do a fucking thing. Even if people listened to these ads and the media and became afraid of sending sexually explicit text messages to each other, the problem would just take a different form somewhere else. What if Twitter essentially becomes an exhibitionist site? What about Facebook? What about some new website? Smartphones are on the rise and wireless networks are becoming more prevalent; the possibilities are endless.
So what do you do? We’re stuck in a world where we can’t advance as a species because we’re too goddamn immature. We can break down the structure of matter into atoms, subatomic particles, and quarks and shit but we can’t own a cellphone without laundering child pornography. And whenever something like this becomes a problem we can’t see the bigger issue at hand either. This is what happens when you’re incredibly short-minded. Goddamn it, it’s not that hard to see how stupid this “sexting” term is. Let’s put a little more effort into our thinking processes here.
I’m going to develop applications for mobile computers that give you an electric shock during appropriate times, like when you’re driving, or in a movie theater, or with a group of friends, or if you’re a congressman and listening to the president speak, or if you’re a schoolteacher and sending sexually explicit texts to your students. Actually scratch that, I’m going to develop a series of smartphones that emit concentrated gamma rays into your face instead.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32252045/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/
You would only find this story on a site like MSNBC. A story where people can read it and go, “Look what religion does to people.” And people will use religion as a scapegoat even though most sane people wouldn’t let an extremely preventable death occur because they expected some higher power to come and intervene.
But I’ll be honest, this is mindless beyond belief. And this was in WAUSAU. This is in WISCONSIN. This is a state that I have lived in my entire life, thinking its inhabitants had developed some from of common sense. I guess I must have not gone to Sunday school the day we learned that 911 is the new 666 and in case of a medical emergency we should hover around the victim and hope the power of prayer will magically bring them back to life.
Being unintentionally ironic, thank fucking God this stupid asshole was convicted of some form of homicide, and I hope he realizes how much of an idiot he is once he starts his jailtime. But if not, I’m sure he’ll realize it when he starts to pray his way out of prison and winds up becoming someone’s bitch instead.
Yeah I jacked this from the Community Thread on HG.
http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2009/06/12/20090612ethnicbanON0612.html
So Tom Horne, the superintendent of Arizona’s public schools is trying to pressure four high schools to drop 22 of their ethnic studies courses by reducing their state funds by 10%. From the article, this was his impeccable logic:
“The job of the public schools is to develop the student’s identity as Americans and as strong individuals,” Horne said. “It’s not the job of the public schools to promote ethnic chauvinism.”
Now what pisses me off most about this surprisingly is not that he’s retarded and should probably be bagging groceries and not holding public office, it’s well, yeah, it’s actually just that.
In all seriousness, any reasonable person would become incredibly frustrated the second their Wernicke’s area began to comprehend his speech. Now I’m assuming most people would be frustrated that he’s trying to “ban” ethnic studies courses because for some strange reason he feels as if they’re “harmful”, but that’s not actually what pisses me off the most, no. Not at all. What pisses me off is his stupid choice of language. There’s nothing that irritates me more than a stupid person trying to form big, intelligent sounding words and phrases to cover up the fact that they eat their own feces. He coins the phrase “ethnic chauvanism”, which is the perfect example of how efficiently politicians are able to spew such a high concentration of bullshit.
First of all, “chauvinist” by itself has a very specific meaning. According to the Webster dictionary it can either mean blind patriotism, bias towards a group you’ve belonged to, or an attitude of superiority towards members of the opposite sex. I’m assuming he was attempting to use the third meaning in this context, becuase it’s the closest thing to just saying “prejudice”. Point is you can’t take a word that doesn’t mean what you’re trying to say and pretend it means something else just to sound smart. Come to think of it though, I’m not actually sure what he was trying to say when he talked about “ethnic chauvanism”. No, seriously, if anybody has any clue, please leave me some enlightening comments. Until then I’m going to slam my face into a wall lest I allow the steaming pile of dog vomit that is the American legislative body to claim me first.
So, last night, one of this site’s other writers and I got very intoxicated about 6 miles from where we live. I realized that the buses stopped running about 30 minutes after the fact. We considered taking a cab, but I had a whopping $3. Acid_Oxid thought that he had $4, but that turned out to be $1. None of my friends had any money to lend us to take a cab, so we walked to the only ATM in the area to get some money.
I would have liked to just walk home, but that wasn’t exactly realistic. You see, between where we were and where we live, there’s a really big ghetto. In Milwaukee, from the lake to 1 1/2 miles inland, there are good neighborhoods. Then, the next 3-4 miles looks like a Call of Duty level before you get to respectable neighborhoods again. We were by the lake, and we live about 10 blocks west of where the crappy neighborhoods stop. Basically, our chances of getting mugged were somewhere between 95 and 500%.
We get to the only ATM in the area, in the only 24 hour gas station in the area, and the ATM is broken. This is a bit of a problem. I ask the clerk if he gives cash back for debit card transactions, which I swear to God every fucking gas station in America does, but he does not. Therefore, we are left with the following options.
1. Sleep in the street
2. Walk through the ghetto
3. Call someone to pick us up at 3 am
4. Haggle
What would you have done? Probably anything but #4, because you’re a fucking pussy.
After about 30 minutes of negotiating with various strangers at the gas station, I got a guy with an old ass Cadillac with sick rims to give me $10 cash if I bought him $12 in gas on a credit card. I asked him how much he paid for his rims, and he said “Huh? Oh, man, these were free. You gotta know good women, man. If you know good women, you ain’t gotta pay for shit.” Um, okay.
Well, that guy was weird as fuck, but $10 is $10. I tell the cab driver where we want to go, and also that we only have $14. He says, we’ll see how far that takes you.
As the cabbie pulled up to our street, the fare meter rolled to exactly $14.
I’m undertaking a little reading/blogging project that I didn’t think was appropriate for PE, but here’s the linkz0r to it. Basically, I’m going to read a shitload of books and write about them. This is more for my personal use than anything, but I figured that a couple of you might find it interesting. If you’ve ever read Ryan Holiday’s site, it’ll probably be a lot like that.
http://kmacsreadingblog.blogspot.com/
-Kevin
Howdy ya’ll. Glad I could join ya on this hot and humid bitch of a night.
Fucking Facebook. Much like advanced accounting, thermodynamics and ochem, Facebook loves to rape me. In this case, Facebook rapes me so hard it actually tears parts of my soul apart and leaves little AIDS babies in the crevices. So, to try and salvage my dignity and what is left of my insides, I suggest these “FUCK OFF”’s to you:
Otherwise, yeah, love the site and everything. Keep up the good work Zuckerburg.
Oh yeah, so what’s with the title you ask? Give it a couple weeks to fester and you’ll have yourselves a fun little story, kids.
… You’re too dumb to realize you made a mistake.
I’ve had a problem lately with “open” relationships. I know it’s not my place to say what people can and cannot do, etc. (spare me the fucking lecture), and by no means am I making a purely moral judgment. I think open relationships are stupid, and I’m going to explain briefly why and then go into more detail.
When you think of a relationship, what comes to mind? Love I guess, trust, dependability, and uh, commitment???
So the very phrase “open relationship” is a subtle oxymoron, because if you’re not going to be open about anything and everything (because you satisfy that desire by sharing intimacy with somebody else), then your relationship is less open than any normal one. Two people, I’m assuming, decide that they like each other enough to be significant others, but then decide that they don’t want to be held in an exclusive bond with each other because they want to do other things with other people (”things” meaning FUCKING usually). This is the part where I can honestly say I don’t understand open relationships enough. What conduct is considered appropriate? I’m assuming, again, that in most open relationships sex is okay. Now I’m wondering why you would agree to share an intimate relationship with someone when they were sharing intimacy with someone else. For some people, very, very mature people, I guess it might be possible to share that type of intimacy with more than one person, but being realistic, who the fuck is honestly that mature? The only people I’ve heard of being in an open relationship are barely mature enough to be in a regular fucking relationship, much less find a way to satisfy their significant other’s thirst for intimacy and affection while doing other people.
Upon listening to a Savage Lovecast, Dan got a call from some stupid whore who was having problems with her husband. They have been “happily”, *ahem* [superquotes]HAPPILY[/superquotes] together for more than 8 years, and have always “considered” themselves to be in an open relationship. Now hold the fuck on. You took a vow to be together forever in the biggest, most significant relationship two people can have with each other, but wanted the opportunity to… do things with other people? Other things that most people only do with their spouse? Now, here’s where the problems start to begin.
She began to go on about how her husband never really took advantage of the opportunity to do other people until recently when he started going over to their neighbor’s house, getting shithoused, fooling around with her, then forgetting to come home. The wife said she had one rule, and that was that he had to come home, but unfortunately he would always pass out and “forget”. Her problem is that she keeps getting upset, and she feels guilty because since she’s in an open relationship she can’t get angry with her husband for doing other people. It’s quite obvious what’s really making her angry, she’s jealous, and she called Dan Savage because she can’t talk to her friend or really anybody about this problem because she thinks it’s her own fault for being jealous and that she has no right to confront her own stupid drunk husband about it.
Oh wait, what’s that noise? Jesus Christ it’s making my ears bleed. Oh… it’s my dumbfuckometer and it’s going off like crazy.
Now here you are in a small predicament, the same that most people find themselves in sooner or later in an open relationship. They forget that they have feelings. Any normal human fucking being who legitimately loved someone romantically would have feelings of jealousy if their significant other, or in this case FUCKING HUSBAND started HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Now, instead of being able to tell her husband “look I’m not happy with you fooling around with our neighbor, stop,” she has to sit back and watch everything happen, too dumb to realize the mistake she made.
Everyone makes the same mistake sooner or later, and that’s when they remember some of the things that make up a relationship, like commitment. Open relationships aren’t stupid because they’re wrong, they’re stupid because if you think you’re going to be okay sharing your girlfriend or boyfriend with other people, then you’re either a complete moron or so ignorant you should probably down a liter of 190 proof right now.
It’s almost everyone who makes the same mistake. The fact that the divorce rate for marriages is at about 50% and the fact that open relationships exist is partially due to the fact that people are too stupid to demand what they actually want. Millions of people sacrifice the ability to go out and have sex with other people so they can live in the magical unicorn valley that is a relationship with someone who loves you and nobody else. Because in reality, it’s a lot easier to sacrifice the former than the latter, and if you think you can handle being in an open relationship, then you sure as fuck better realize that you can’t share an intimate bond with whoever you’re in your stupid, pointless paradox of a relationship with.
Take my advice. If you’re in an open relationship you’re almost definitely kidding yourself. Why even bother being in a relationship if you can’t commit to one? If you’re too much of a chicken shit to end it, then that’s fine I guess, you coward. If you can’t bring yourself to end it then you obviously have serious feelings for whoever you’re in an open relationship with, which means you’re either going to wind up sacrificing your feelings to satisfy the other person’s lack of maturity and ability to commit to a relationship, or your own. If you’re on the other end and want to fuck other people so bad, read the beginning of this paragraph again. If all else fails and you’re still in an open relationship by tomorrow, then stop huffing white out.
Jesus Christ almighty God of Vishnu Allah of the Lord on High Ishmael Mohommad people are dumber than bricks.
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